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I'm a freshman!

For those of you who don't know, I started school. If you're family don't be offended you didn't know because to tell you the truth, I didn't know until a couple months ago.

After Charlotte died, I went through, well, you know, I whined all about it. I went through a lot. Still am. But the hardest thing I experienced was the feeling of worthlessness. I felt completely worthless. So incredibly worthless. I kept telling myself (and everyone around me) how horrible of a human I was because I couldn't do the one thing that my body was physically made to do.

Aaaannnnnndddd then I stopped feeling sorry for myself. 

After she died I gave myself a year. I told myself I could eat whatever I wanted, cry as much as I wanted, say whatever I wanted (even if that scared people) and be mad and not talk to whomever I wanted. And I did just that. Gained some weight and offended some friends. And it was horrible. That was a long year..

Okay soooo, it might have lasted a little lo…
Recent posts

Two, Four + Six years

Today is kinda a big day. Everything is hitting today. Our sweet Conor would have been two years old a week ago, Owen turned four and in a couple weeks Chris and I have been married for six years. That's a lot of anniversaries. Some great to remember and celebrate and some not. Everybody has those.

Our little buddy Conor would be TWO! See that muffin top down there? That's Conor not Cafe Rio, well maybe a little of both. Conor leaves some strange memories. Although we lost him, his soul, his body, I don't miss him. It that terrible or what?

After his early surprise delivery I was shocked, there's no doubt about that, but I almost immediately felt like he was a big, grown, man taking care of me. Owen didn't realize what was happening, well none of us did. He didn't ask about him everyday, he was just too young to understand. It just didn't seem like the end of the world. Everyone can handle a certain amount of pain and heartbreak right? Compared to Charlotte…

1 Year

It's officially been an entire year since I last held my chunky baby. Some days are doable and some are as if we lost her yesterday. The mysterious thing about grief is comes in waves. Sometimes just small tidal waves brushing the shore full of heartache and sometimes 40 foot waves of rage, anger and depression. You never know which is coming and when. Sometimes it comes from a small argument with a sister and quickly spirals into grief.. arguments are rarely ever about what it started as. I had a break down the other day, I can't even remember what sparked it but it was harsh. It was brutal. I've come to realize that I will grieve as long as I live. That as long as I miss her and as long as I love her I will grieve.






We want her so badly and my mind can't seem to stop from thinking that. I know I can't have her here, but that's all I think about. When I look at my friends babies, at dinner, at the movies, I want her there with us. She would be the same age as t…

My Come to Jesus Talk (9 months) + Charlotte's Autopsy

I've been asked a lot lately how I'm doing. I figured I'd sit down and write it all right now because I'm not doing too bad. Sometimes, it's too much to answer to anyone let alone a computer. I know you're trying to help and you're curious and it means the world but I don't know how to respond sometimes. So here it is. Actually, you might want to stop here, go pee, grab a snack, get comfy and come back. There is no short way of explaining the months of emotion after the loss of a child, our sweet Charlotte.

When Charlotte was born, after they told us we were going to lose her, they asked if they could perform an autopsy. For any parent that question would be impossible to say yes to, well, it was but that question had been asked many months prior so the answer was already made up. Chris and I delicately and cautiously reviewed each scenario, praying we wouldn't have to make this one decision. We said of course and months, and months, and months of w…

6 months

I have so much on my mind so please remember that this is some sort of weird therapy for me and I have always been way too blunt, judge if you must.

You know that line, "When it rains, it pours"?

I think that's true for some, but for my life right now its, "When it rains, get ready for a tsunami".

Last year when we lost Conor there were a few other things going on that I wouldn't consider awesome. We had some major car problems, Chris was trying to figure out a job and we had saved up a measly $4,000 for a down payment on a house and then had to spend every last penny on little things like, burying my second child. I remember telling myself that that was it. I've heard bad things happen in three's, like waves, so I was really trying to live by that. Stupid I know, but it's got to end at some point right? And I had hope back then.

Then we lost our little miss, I killed a dog, we moved (which is good) but Owen started going crazy, then Chris star…

I'm sorry

I don't think I ever said thank you to those of you that helped us financially with Miss Charlotte and for that I am sorry. It probably seems like we are the most ungrateful people in the world. Which if we're being honest here, I feel ungrateful. I didn't want money, I wanted my baby. I would have given everything back if it meant we could have her. Like a trade? I would have given my life, if I had been given the opportunity.

When we had Conor, it was such a slap in the face and we felt like we lost everything, especially our financial stability (because we did). Charlotte was such a difference. Our dear friends set up a GoFundMe for us and believe it or not, our out of pocket for our insurance was $7,000. (CRAZY right?) But, I think the GoFundMe made just over that. Miracle. We were able to pay off all of my bills because of the money donated. There is no way we would have been able to do that without it. We were still trying to recover from losing our last baby.

 Also…

Three months

Its been exactly three months and five days since we had last held our little girl in our arms.

Though you see me at the grocery store, church, the park and I look fine, I'm not. This little girl left me with the biggest, deepest scar. My entire soul longs for her. I think about her at the grocery store. I think about her at church and at the park. While I'm putting my makeup on after a morning shower, while I'm painting my chairs, while I'm making salsa, while I'm picking out shoes for Owen, while I'm washing dishes, while I'm weeding. There isn't a time I don't think about her.

 I think about what people think when they see me and my one kid at the store and I can almost guarantee you they are wondering why I only have one.. I wish she was with me. I wish I looked like everyone else here, with armfuls of healthy babies.

I want her in the backseat of my car screaming her little lungs out. I want to put her in her stroller and have everyone comment …