Skip to main content

an epiphany

I know I have done a lot of complaining since I've been here. 
(This is not another post of that). 

I think I have finally realized what's going on. 

The problem is not Hawaii. It's me. 

I went to see my awesome bishop and after our two hour session we came to the agreement that I have a problem. A big problem. 

He asked me lots of questions. He asked me what I see when I look in the mirror.. I told him acne. 
He asked again. I said love-handles. Although he laughed. He didn't like my answers. I didn't like my answers. 

We decided that I need to do better things to make me feel good about myself. I think everyone have this problem. Especially women. We see the size two girl and think "Wow, I'm so much bigger than her" or "Dang I need to loose weight". And thanks to the world, a size 10 is now considered "plus size". 

Satan has been a lot harder on me this year. Normally he woks pretty hard to make me feel like crap but this year he is on a roll. As you know, many things have happened to me. Moving, marriage, sickness, friend drama, loneliness, depression, the list goes on. All this time I have been blaming it on Hawaii. It seemed normal. 

After meeting with Bishop he told me to forget about the little things and focus on myself. He told me to ignore the friends with drama and be with the ones that make me happy. To ignore the little things Chris forgets to do and focus on how much he does do for me. 

So, Hawaii is not of the devil. It is actually a great and beautiful place to live. An even better place to vacation but I have found things to love out here. When we leave (in December) I will be sad. I'm so grateful I finally found out why I am suppose to be here at this time, in this ward, with this bishop. I love being here with Chris. I love Chris with everything I have. I am so glad we were married in the temple. I'm so grateful for my family. I miss them so much and I'm grateful for an end date. I'm grateful for the family I married into. I have not shown it but I will get better. I am grateful for this church and the plan it has for us. I love this gospel and I love being here. 

Now that I have taken a year to figure out who I am and what I am here to do, I am going to do just that. Be a happy person. Make good long lasting friends, even if I have to move go through a few to find the good ones. Spend time with family and eventually, have one of my own some day. 

That was my epiphany. 

Now on to baking. 


Popular posts from this blog

Charlotte May Hendrickson June 5, 2015

I'm going to start by saying I'm on heavy doses of Lortab and Tylenol. I'm seriously having a hard time making complete sentences but I want this to be out so you know what happened. From the beginning of this journey, Chris and I have felt like this has been such a "team" trial. We've had so much support and so many prayers offered on our behalf and that it's such a devastation to everyone that this happened. You are my team and I want you to be in on everything.

I honestly can't believe I'm sitting down at the computer and starting to write this out, again. Trying to explain what just happened, again. Trying to find the words to describe accurately how I feel. So here's my best.

Thursday, June 4, 2015
I had felt her move very gently only three times on Wednesday so when I woke up on Thursday I went straight for the sugary cereal in hopes that would wake Charlotte up and get her moving. I ate and waited. I grabbed a cold water, drank half and …

Two, Four + Six years

Today is kinda a big day. Everything is hitting today. Our sweet Conor would have been two years old a week ago, Owen turned four and in a couple weeks Chris and I have been married for six years. That's a lot of anniversaries. Some great to remember and celebrate and some not. Everybody has those.

Our little buddy Conor would be TWO! See that muffin top down there? That's Conor not Cafe Rio, well maybe a little of both. Conor leaves some strange memories. Although we lost him, his soul, his body, I don't miss him. It that terrible or what?

After his early surprise delivery I was shocked, there's no doubt about that, but I almost immediately felt like he was a big, grown, man taking care of me. Owen didn't realize what was happening, well none of us did. He didn't ask about him everyday, he was just too young to understand. It just didn't seem like the end of the world. Everyone can handle a certain amount of pain and heartbreak right? Compared to Charlotte…

1 Year

It's officially been an entire year since I last held my chunky baby. Some days are doable and some are as if we lost her yesterday. The mysterious thing about grief is comes in waves. Sometimes just small tidal waves brushing the shore full of heartache and sometimes 40 foot waves of rage, anger and depression. You never know which is coming and when. Sometimes it comes from a small argument with a sister and quickly spirals into grief.. arguments are rarely ever about what it started as. I had a break down the other day, I can't even remember what sparked it but it was harsh. It was brutal. I've come to realize that I will grieve as long as I live. That as long as I miss her and as long as I love her I will grieve.

We want her so badly and my mind can't seem to stop from thinking that. I know I can't have her here, but that's all I think about. When I look at my friends babies, at dinner, at the movies, I want her there with us. She would be the same age as t…