thinking out loud
First I want to say this is a more personal blog post. What's been on my mind.. well a few things that have been on my mind.
1.It started with general conference.. what life changing decisions don't? :) Chris took Owen for the night so I could go to the Relief Society broadcast. To be completely honest I did not want to go. I had dishes to do, laundry to fold, sleeping to catch up on, etc. I ended up going with some friends and Costa Vida even catered. (How lucky are we?) Although it was nice to have a break from the mom thing, all through dinner I kept thinking, "I need to be home and cleaning the house or taking care of O". The meeting started and the first couple talks were good but again I wasn't too thrilled to be there so I was half listening and half thinking of what else I could be doing. Then Sister Stephens (the first counselor in the RS General Presidency) spoke and said,
"Each of us has had and will continue to have adversity in our lives. This mortal life is a time of testing, and we will continue to have opportunities to use our agency to choose what we will learn from the adversity that will surely come."
We've heard similar quotes like this one before but for some reason this happened to stick out at me. I went home feeling re-energized and great. Feeling like I can actually handle life and my busy little boy. And juggle being a good wife and maintain a happy home. I can get through this challenging stage with the Lord's help and I am choosing to do it with a smile. And I felt bad for thinking I had better places to be. That was the only place I needed to be.
I've been thinking a lot lately about life and what I want out of it. I feel like I've been in a funk for a long time now and I finally have the motivation to do something about it. I'm not sure if it's the fact that I am sick of the way I've been living or that I want to do better for Chris and Owen; probably a combination of the two. I want to feel, look and BE better. I am determined to change, for my boys and more importantly for myself.
It's not like I have been doing bad things, I just haven't been doing great things. I know I could be doing a lot better.
I got married a pretty happy person and soon turned into a crazy lady. Living as an eighteen year old newlywed in Hawaii helped/forced me to grow up extremely fast. Looking back now, it was a huge blessing but obviously when I was going through it, it didn't feel quite that nice. Then we found out we were pregnant and we moved to the mainland. So Chris didn't get to know the real me. I think that's another reason I want to do better. He married a happy girl who then went into a depression and then got pregnant and had a baby which is a whole other type of emotional roller coaster. I feel like he hasn't had a chance to get to know the real happy me.
I know that we are put in situations and we go through experiences for our own good. I'm saying this because it's hard right now, but I know we will survive it.
I have started working out finally. Having a baby really messes you up, I think more mentally than physically.. I am at a stage where I feel like I can look a lot better. I gained so much weight when Chris and I got married and I have just been gaining more since. Lucky for me, Owen took most of my fat from before instead of adding a ton more weight. I think I only gained about eight pounds when I was pregnant with him. I am really trying to work out everyday and eat smaller portions. Nursing has made me more hungry than ever. I feel like I need a Thanksgiving feast to satisfy my hunger, but I'm working on it. And I already feel more energized.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.