These are my updated feelings. I honestly can't remember if I ever posted my TRUE feelings about newborns or not so if I didn't you will get a feel for that now. My feelings about motherhood and babies has changed-dramatically. And as you well know, I love to be brutally honest. I love being real and bringing it all to the table-the good, the bad and the ugly.
At the beginning of this this journey through motherhood (I say as if I'm at the end? haha) I struggled (I like to make things at least ten times harder than they actually are) and I remember feeling such bitterness toward Chris, toward Owen and pretty much everyone within my vicinity.We all have regrets, right?
If you would've told me you were pregnant, I would've felt truly sorry for you. Or laughed and said "Good luck!". I would've said that it will be the most hell-like year of your life. That newborns are awful. That you will want to give it back.
When you told me "It get's better", I wanted to cry. Or yell in your face while Owen was screaming in mine, that you were a liar. When they said, "Newborns are precious little gifts from God", I laughed, a loud, ugly, sarcastic laugh. Because Owen NEVER went to sleep before midnight, I hardly got a shower a week, let alone five hours of sleep a week. And I laughed even harder when you said you wanted him because I would've freely given him to you. I hated it when women would say they were in love at first site.. How? They are screaming, cone headed, and covered in blood and white goop.. Now before you start judging me, just wait.
CAUTION: Stop reading here if you get grossed out about the natural occurrences of the body of a mother. It's about to get real:
So, the body. A huge issue right after Owen was born. Not to say that I don't have issues with it now, but I mean like really, I struggled. I love that commercial when the husband takes the baby and says he will handle all of the errands for his wife, he heads into a class and the instructor says "Let's talk about body after baby" and he runs out. haha That's how I felt. Gross!
That's one thing no one really tells you about. It's okay though, it's hard for some people to explain- but that's why you have me. I can explain it very well. Now I'm not talkin', you have more fat than before (that's just a given), I mean when you're milk comes in and you all the sudden have a Pamela Anderson chest. I remember just staring. It would be okay if I hadn't been in soooo much pain. Nursing- ooh don't get me started. In the beginning, nursing a baby is hard and painful. Back to the point.. Or when the you get out of the shower and milk is spraying in a hundred different directions- the mirror, the floor, the ceiling, your face, your husband, who is holding the screaming baby waiting for you to feed. The bright pink/purple tiger stripes all over you're stomach, sides and thighs. The dark spots in thee most random places. The pound of hair in the shower drain. And the downstairs. Ouch. Oh I just cringe when I think about it- It's just all messed up, cut, ripped and sewn back together. Then you have to fill a bottle up with warm water and squirt it, as soft as you can, to clean off because toilet paper will stick. Let's not forget the granny panties or adult diapers you must wear if you don't want you're bathroom to look like a murder scene. But does anyone tell you that? No.
After all of this crap. After the contractions, after the labor, the midnight, two o'clock, four o' clock, and six o' clock feedings, the late nights, the throw up, the tar-like poop, dealing with a circumcision, the blow out diapers, the never-ending laundry, the nursing, the screaming, crying, loneliness, hormones, exhaustion, therapy, this could go on..
I love him.
Because of all of that, I love him. Now, I still will tell you that the first nine months are hell. That you won't sleep and you might want to give him away. And you'll probably need therapy.
The difference is now, I can say, it's worth it. I finally am beginning to see. I would do it all over again to be where I am right now. Owen has changed me. (It's corny but so incredibly true) He is worth the pain, the tears, the heartache.
Motherhood is tricky and to be honest I think God planned it that way. Something about knowing good from evil, pain versus happiness, sorrow versus joy? I believe I had such a hard time because I needed to know for sure what real joy is. I wish I would've seen the beauty in the newborn stage, because there is. It's hard to see sometimes, but it's there. The sleepy smiles, the giggles and coo's. Hopefully next time I will take a chill pill and stop to smell the roses.
He is so fun now. Life is so much easier when he can do things himself. He is running, playing chase, jumping on the trampoline, copying everything I do, talking to me in a mixed language of English and Mandarin, farting and saying "oops", eating anything and everything, yelling "mommy" non-stop, and building block towers. He is awesome. He get's soo excited about everything. Yelling "vvrrroooom vrrroooomm" every time we see a truck. My little friend. My buddy. Did I ever think this day would come? No. Am I ecstatic that it has? YES!! I seriously thought I would never like him. Really.
I remember asking one of my friends in Hawaii about kids and babies. I said "What if I don't like my baby?" And she said "I didn't like any of mine when they were babies, I learned to love them as I got to know them. As they grew, we began to develop relationships". That has stuck with me. I'm grateful to know someone else that has felt the way I did about newborns. And that's how I feel about Owen. I love him now that I know him. He's my everything. He means the world to me. Oh parenthood, you are very interestingly fascinating.
There, my newly updated feeling's on motherhood. This is just my opinion and I understand that everyone is different. So take it or leave it.