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Showing posts from 2015

6 months

I have so much on my mind so please remember that this is some sort of weird therapy for me and I have always been way too blunt, judge if you must.

You know that line, "When it rains, it pours"?

I think that's true for some, but for my life right now its, "When it rains, get ready for a tsunami".

Last year when we lost Conor there were a few other things going on that I wouldn't consider awesome. We had some major car problems, Chris was trying to figure out a job and we had saved up a measly $4,000 for a down payment on a house and then had to spend every last penny on little things like, burying my second child. I remember telling myself that that was it. I've heard bad things happen in three's, like waves, so I was really trying to live by that. Stupid I know, but it's got to end at some point right? And I had hope back then.

Then we lost our little miss, I killed a dog, we moved (which is good) but Owen started going crazy, then Chris star…

I'm sorry

I don't think I ever said thank you to those of you that helped us financially with Miss Charlotte and for that I am sorry. It probably seems like we are the most ungrateful people in the world. Which if we're being honest here, I feel ungrateful. I didn't want money, I wanted my baby. I would have given everything back if it meant we could have her. Like a trade? I would have given my life, if I had been given the opportunity.

When we had Conor, it was such a slap in the face and we felt like we lost everything, especially our financial stability (because we did). Charlotte was such a difference. Our dear friends set up a GoFundMe for us and believe it or not, our out of pocket for our insurance was $7,000. (CRAZY right?) But, I think the GoFundMe made just over that. Miracle. We were able to pay off all of my bills because of the money donated. There is no way we would have been able to do that without it. We were still trying to recover from losing our last baby.

 Also…

Three months

Its been exactly three months and five days since we had last held our little girl in our arms.

Though you see me at the grocery store, church, the park and I look fine, I'm not. This little girl left me with the biggest, deepest scar. My entire soul longs for her. I think about her at the grocery store. I think about her at church and at the park. While I'm putting my makeup on after a morning shower, while I'm painting my chairs, while I'm making salsa, while I'm picking out shoes for Owen, while I'm washing dishes, while I'm weeding. There isn't a time I don't think about her.

 I think about what people think when they see me and my one kid at the store and I can almost guarantee you they are wondering why I only have one.. I wish she was with me. I wish I looked like everyone else here, with armfuls of healthy babies.

I want her in the backseat of my car screaming her little lungs out. I want to put her in her stroller and have everyone comment …

S.O.S. Owen

Because I'm already up, I figured I'd write all of my very angry feelings out and hope that one of you has an idea how to help. He woke up at 1:30 demanding he isn't tired and he needs to sleep on the couch, we are just now nearing 4 am and he has been quiet for about ten minutes. What was he doing all this time? Yelling, whining, arguing, going potty (twice), using the classic "moooooooommmm', a hundred times, "I'm not tired" he says. Does he do this every night? Funny you should ask, only since he was about.. hmmm born.

Owen is horrible. And I mean that in the most loving, affectionate way. He can be the sweetest, cutest funniest, most awesome and happy little guy but can so quickly turn into the devil himself.



I don't want to hear "He's three, that's what they do". If you haven't noticed by now, Owen isn't your average three year old. He is absolutely amazing and awful all within the same minute. Won't sleep, thro…

Ryan and Lou are engaged!!

My brother in law Ryan has been dating the cutest girl and they FINALLY got engaged. Just kidding, it's been like, a few months, but you know, in Mormon time that's like eternity. We hiked to the Grotto in Payson canyon where they had their first date. Owen was not thrilled with this idea. 




Dark heavy clouds and thunder started rolling in so we tried to hurry.


Owen playing fetch with a couple dogs. He loved it.





As he was on his way to the ground, she said yes. haha It was the sweetest thing. He got to his knee and asked and by that time she had said yes at least ten times.





Owen has had a little crush on Lou and he was not happy at all that they are now going to get married. haha He said "NOOOO" after she said yes. Poor guy.

We are so happy for them and we just absolutely love her. And in true Mormon fashion the date is October 10th, that's about seven weeks I believe. haha It's possible, we did it.

Charlotte's due date 7-31-15

Today is our little miss' due date. July 31st, just like her brother (Owen). I had a feeling this day would not be my best but I didn't think I would be completely depressed either. Thanks to the hospital for helping with that.

I got a call a couple days ago from the hospital calling to confirm an appointment. I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what I was not remembering. When I asked what for she jokingly said "Well it's your due date tomorrow and we've gotta get that baby outta there".

Obviously, she didn't know. She didn't know how much that one sentence took me to such a deep, dark, sad place.  I just told her that I already had her and she didn't live. That's all I could muster out. As if I needed another reminder that I won't ever have my baby in the way that most women/families do. She apologized and I hung up. I fell to the kitchen floor sobbing. Sobbing so loud it woke Owen up from his nap. He quietly opened his bedroo…

Owen turns 3!

Our sweet Owen boy turned 3 on the 19th of this month. We had my family over and all crammed in my tiny apartment to celebrate. 
Phrases commonly said: 
"That's besgusting" "What's a boom boom?" "But why?" "Don't talk to me" "Dad, do you have work tomorrow?" "Mom, watch this trick" "Can you pway with me?" "But why?" "Dad, do you have work tomorrow?" "Lazers!" "But mom I just have to grow up" "I wuv you" "Ya.. sorry mom" "Hi mom" (always in a high pitch voice and when he did something bad)  "Can we got to Chic Fur Way?" ( I will admit, the weeks after Charlotte, we had WAY to much  Chic-Fil-A) "Why?"

Opening his great grandmas present





Because what three year old doesn't use scissors to open presents.


And my parents just had to get him one..


That's the I-told-him-to-say-cheese-and-he's-eyeing-the-other-pr…

Charlotte Pictures

Right now, I'm having a hard time putting my feelings into one box in order to label them. That's actually been going on for about.. well.. months now. Angry, distraught, hurt, mad, betrayed, toyed with, played, teased.. I think I could go on for days. 
This little girl has changed my life. This experience has shaken every little ounce of faith I've ever had to the surface and I'm trying to hold on to the piece I have left. Somedays I feel okay, not great but okay. And others, I feel so betrayed, by God. I know, that's not what I'm supposed to say but that's how I feel. We prayed, faster, begged, and pleaded for her. We needed her. And then she was taken. What's worse is that we had to take her. We had to make the decision to let her go. 
 My sister in law worded it perfectly when she said "I imagine it's hard to be happy when so much of your heart is buried in the ground". 
That's how I feel. Like, I only had broken pieces to begin m…