To be honest, I didn't think I would make it this far. I thought for sure I wouldn't make it. Am I jinxing myself?
Owen and I waiting for the first doctors appointment
The last few weeks have been pretty overwhelming. I've had at least two doctors appointments a week (when you add in the dentist, thank you Pregnancy Gingivitis). I had two today actually and everything is fine. I just had to put that out there so you don't read the whole thing thinking I'm going to drop a bomb on you.. I've never done that right? :)
I had a regular checkup with Dr. Anderson and everything looked great. Measuring right on and her heartbeat is perfect. Then Chris came with me to the Pediatric Cardiologist at Utah Valley Hospital. The ultrasound tech looked at Charlotte's heart for a good forty-five minutes then got the doctor to explain everything to us.
He said her heart looks "fine". Now, if you're me, you're thinking about the definition of "fine". Chris would tell you that when I use that word, it can mean about a billion different things. So before I could ask, the doctor saw the error in his wording and said "Wait, it's good". haha
He said that he saw most of the parts that he needs to see. So, I'm not a cardiologist but I am going to try and explain (mainly for me, so when I print this off I will remember) but there are supposed to be four pulmonary veins going into and out of the heart and he said he could only see one. He also said he wasn't worried about it, so I guess that means I shouldn't be? He said her heart is so stinking far over to the right that it's hard to get a good view of all angles.
He explained to us how worried he is about the lungs not developing and I think that should have made me cry but I didn't. Maybe it's because Dr. Gainer has already told us how worried she is about it and I've already cried so hard that I just don't have any more tears? Who knows? It didn't phase either of us.
This whole situation sucks so bad you guys. I know you know that but I just need to say it one more time. I'm so sick of hiding the girl clothes and baby stuff from myself because I don't want to get my hopes up. I just want to have a baby shower and be excited for our first girl. I want to tell everyone about her. I want her to not have medical problems throughout the rest of her life. I want her to be normal. I want this pregnancy to be normal. BUT- It's not.
I do hide the newborns outfits from myself and I stopped buying girl clothes and blankets. I don't want to have a baby shower and then have to get rid of everything if she doesn't make it. I don't want to tell anyone about her because it hurts. For some eternal reason this is my trial and this is also hers. She will have to deal with this the rest of her life, even if that means not being able to run track in high school because her lungs can't take it.
I'm really praying that something will be said in General Conference that can give me some comfort. Elder Eyring's talk in the Womens Conference was beautiful. It has given me hope.
" The burdens His faithful servants must carry in life are made lighter by His Atonement. The burden of sin can be taken away, but the trials of mortal life for good people can still be heavy burdens."
So everything looks good today, other than her heart is in her shoulder and her stomach and bowels are in her chest. :) But really, things look good. Which is good.
I just want to add how much Owen means to me. He has been my life saver. This almost three year old, from what other moms have told me, should be awful and he just isn't. He is amazing. I'm so grateful that one of my kids, so far, decided to stay here on Earth with me.