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I'm a freshman!

For those of you who don't know, I started school. If you're family don't be offended you didn't know because to tell you the truth, I didn't know until a couple months ago.

After Charlotte died, I went through, well, you know, I whined all about it. I went through a lot. Still am. But the hardest thing I experienced was the feeling of worthlessness. I felt completely worthless. So incredibly worthless. I kept telling myself (and everyone around me) how horrible of a human I was because I couldn't do the one thing that my body was physically made to do.

Aaaannnnnndddd then I stopped feeling sorry for myself. 

After she died I gave myself a year. I told myself I could eat whatever I wanted, cry as much as I wanted, say whatever I wanted (even if that scared people) and be mad and not talk to whomever I wanted. And I did just that. Gained some weight and offended some friends. And it was horrible. That was a long year..

Okay soooo, it might have lasted a little longer than a year but a lot has changed. Of course, I'm still going to have days when I choose that miserable life and cry all day because sometimes I just need a good cry. BUT I took a step. One small step. I went to a hormone doctor. Because oh my gosh, I needed it. Turns out, I have been dying, who knew?  My body has been showing physical reactions to the traumatic even that is Charlotte. My iron level and even the amount of blood in body is dangerously low. Basically, she said the test showed that my body is malnourished, to which I asked if she could point to where.. 

So with that jump start back to health and several medications later, I'm doing well! So well that I needed something to do, something to keep me busy. I thought about a job but if you remember that..ummm.. fell through. So I heard about the Pathways program through BYU-Idaho. I didn't know hardly anything about it but I looked at the deadline to sign up for it and after talking to Chris about it, I signed up. School started the next week and it has taken over my life, in the best possible way.

I just have to say Chris is the best human alive. Seriously. And ohmygosh look at what I found! Mmmm. Look at that blonde hair!! (circa 2008ish) He is so good to me. So supportive. When I told him about school, he said "Babe, you've always wanted to do it, so do it. We'll make it work".



And we have! Ya, its tough sometimes when he isn't home but luckily I live so close to family and they take care of the rest.

 It's seriously so awesome you guys! And you should do it, if you don't already have your degree. Or if you do, you still should do it. It's online, slow paced, cheap and super flexible! Anyone can do it no matter how old. It costs $200 a semester.  I decided I could sign up and be brave after Chris' aunt finished, I thought, if she can do it, I can too.

It's a year long, three semesters and you take two classes per semester. An Institute class that you attend (physically) at the closest church that holds an institute class and one online. This program is designed to help students feel prepared for college. The first class online is a general studies class, we have covered work, finances, spiritual topics, academic planning and making decisions.

If you want to start soon, YOU CAN!! Sign up deadline is December 13 and classes start on January 2nd. Everything you need to know is on pathway.lds.org. If you ever wanted to get you're degree, now is you chance! Be brave! Just do it! You can! And if you have any questions, feel free to ask!! Please!

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I'm going to start by saying I'm on heavy doses of Lortab and Tylenol. I'm seriously having a hard time making complete sentences but I want this to be out so you know what happened. From the beginning of this journey, Chris and I have felt like this has been such a "team" trial. We've had so much support and so many prayers offered on our behalf and that it's such a devastation to everyone that this happened. You are my team and I want you to be in on everything.

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Thursday, June 4, 2015
I had felt her move very gently only three times on Wednesday so when I woke up on Thursday I went straight for the sugary cereal in hopes that would wake Charlotte up and get her moving. I ate and waited. I grabbed a cold water, drank half and …